24th June 2008

I know I haven’t been too active lately… well, to tell the truth, I haven’t been active AT ALL. This is simply my 5^th post of the month. However, I’ve been preoccupied with indecision, friendships, projects, and books… so… here’s an extension:

 

 

Indecision This is closely connected to books, but because I’ll describe them later, I wont touch too much on the subject (to be truthful, I‘m hoping to do a review of them sometime in the future so I wont add that much in this post). Anyway, I’ll be going home for a month or so to visit, and, of course, thoughts of him began to be rekindled, and not I don’t know how I feel… I thought it had ended quite a while ago. If you have no idea, just go to the first posts, and I’m sure you’ll get a good idea what I’m talking about. Anyway, I’ve discovered that just listening to my friends’ relationships and problems, and giving them ideas and advise would be enough to quench my stupid thirst for love. So, sadly, I have turned to books (Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer), and I have been feeding of that… the need to feel love, hope and wanted is a terrible, terrible drug. Anyway, I just feel terrible- in three weeks (a bit less), I’ll be landing in my home city, and not long after that, I’ll be seeing the guy I thought I liked… loved… liked… oh! I don’t know! I guess I loved him, but now it’s just turned to really like, or even simply like. However, as soon as I see him again, I just feel I will melt as I did those many months ago… was it a year? Peculiar. It was a year and three weeks… on the 5^th July 2007. I was deep, deep in love then… what if it all restarts?!? I guess I shouldn’t worry so much- what happens happens, and I guess I’ll be escaping back here for a long time after that, so falling again for he wont be a problem- a few tears, a few sleepless nights, but then, love is what I’ve been yearning for… right? 

Update:

 

I took all the posters people made when I left. Fat help. The emptiness reminded me of my own heart. Will I EVER find someone special? Or at least someone to pass the time for a while? I even ripped them all up, pretending I didn’t care. Yeah right, inside, my heart was screaming out “no!”… and now I’m sounding like the true lunatic I am, so I better shut up. 

Friendships:This is a more complicated one, and one I’ll most likely be quite reserved about. Its just another fight, and I’m beginning to wonder if I am TOO quiet and generally reserved about my feelings… I mean, how much does my best friend know about me? We DO fight a lot, in a joking way, and have many smart discussions, but what about those that come from the heart, that help you need from them? I always seem to be helping THEM, but I never go to others for that help… I dunno what to do. 

Projects Why is it that they always land you with some unnecessary project you never finish at the end of the year? Just because they cant think anything better to do. Yep… here’s the long list: Latin (creative writing), Chemistry (plastics), Art (water bottle poster advert and bottle label), Maths (statistics), Physics (radioactivity). I mean, I’m not too sure this is worse than GCSEs!! Oh well… two and a half more weeks, an this will soon be over… this nightmare, this torture… a new one WILL begin, but I swear it cant be worse (oh ok… I already know it IS going to be worse)

 

Books:Ever had a book completely take over you life? Well, you better not have heard about the Twilight series, because they’ll drive you MAD. I cant put them down. There are only four books, I’ve read the first two, and let me tell you they ARE addictive… specially if you are an unloved teenager, who needs some comfort and rejoices knowing about other people’s successful romantic lives while YOU are dying of loneliness inside… ok, maybe its not half as bad. But if ONLY I could see him every day… like I used to… or if I could just convince myself that I did not love him… or strongly liked. Fat chance. Every time I even THINK of him, it all just crashes inside. I’m a terrible mess, and I know it… sadly 

He Loves Me. Not

The reason for the last post over a week ago was that I was thinking of writing a poem and adding it to the end of the post, after I’d found some inspiration. However, dear inspiration never came, until tonight, when suddenly, sitting on the computer, I put my hands on the keyboard, and I wrote, and this is what came out.

Each time I see him,

My heart skips a beat,

And when he smiles,

I just melt like an ice scream on a hot summer’s day

 

This cannot be.

I cannot continue on like this.

I love him,

But this love causes me too much pain

 

Each time he speaks,

His voice twinkles like shining stars,

And when he laughs,

I just boil like water on the kettle

 

This cannot be.

I cannot continue on like this.

I do love him,

But he has fallen for another

 

Each time he looks my way,

I realise I can’t resist him,

And when he jokes around,

I just die inside like a rose-bud attacked by a canker worm.

 

This cannot be.

I cannot continue on like this.

I do love him,

But he doesn’t even know I exist.

 

The sad truth is that I’m the smart one

And he’s the popular one.

All he does is steal my homework

And give me sweet names to get what he wants.

He likes another,

And she’s a lucky gal,

Because she’s not the only one behind him.

 

The sad truth is that I love him,

But he does not.

All he does is laugh at my goofiness

And smile in my direction for fun.

I can’t hide my feelings,

And he knows so,

So he plays with my heart.

 

The sad truth is he loves me;

He loves me not. Not. Not.

 

 

 http://current.com/items/88493881_death_by_a_broken_heart

Love Poems

Right. I’m back in a love mood. I’m visiting people home, including him, and, after a few months, I started thinking about him again, and wondered if I still feel something for him. Surprisingly, I think I do still like him, a lot, after almost a year, so this “escaping” is NOT working very much… maybe I should try a different method of making him history. Anyways, I started looking at some love poems, and here are a few nice ones which could apply to me:

 

I Love You

by Jody Nichols

My knees start to weaken At the first sight of your face My heart starts to melt At the thought of your embrace Your love flows through me Like a river flows down its path Your kiss lifts me up so high I could probably fall to my death

 more…

WHAT IS LOVE?

Author: S.E.Thompson

Love starts out small-

Too small to be noticed,

But in the end it conquers all.

 

What begins as a hug between friends
Can grow and grow
Until it’s something beautiful
that never ends.

Love is never sure,
But it trusts,
With a faith that is sweet and pure.

more…

Lunatic!

After writing this, I even accept to myself I need some sort of pshycologist (some time or other I WILL write about why psycologists are a terrible waste of time) . Anyway, I thought of this “short story” as I was walking home on a nice, sunny evening, and well, I just had to write it down :–) In case you are to thick to realize, the last paragraph is the same as the 2nd… no, it wasn’t a mistake- it was done pupusefully. It’s to indicate continuance… a luncatic has  no limits, and, even though they don’t seem it, almost everyone could be a luncatic.

 

A spine-chilling cry sounds through the air. It ripples across the whole neighbourhood, and it startles every person.

 

A child playing with her dolls begins crying without reason, and cannot stop. A pregnant mother begins to go to labour months early. An aged man, resting in the sun, has a heart attack and does not awake. A fast-paced businessman hurrying home stops short and begins running. A bunch of teenagers taking drugs in the park drop them, flee, and never return. A shoe-shop keeper faints.

 

The only person who realises what just happened was a butcher. He’s already heard this sound. It is the sound of an animal’s guts being ripped from their bodies. Only this is not any animal. This is a human. He is shaken, but he is too late.

 

Someone stands at his door, grinning. Closing his eyes, he hopes the gut-ripping lunatic would be found some day, although it is doubtful. He is a respectful person in the community. With an agonising scream, which ripples across the whole neighbourhood, his guts are ripped out.

 

A child playing with her dolls begins crying without reason, and cannot stop. A pregnant mother begins to go to labour months early. An aged man, resting in the sun, has a heart attack and does not awake. A fast-paced businessman hurrying home stops short and begins running. A bunch of teenagers taking drugs in the park drop them, flee, and never return. A shoe-shop keeper faints.

8th June 2008

I a month’s time, I’m going to my home country to visit some family and friends. It’s been just under a year since I left, and it will be a yearn then. I’m just mad I’m even here in the firsst place. Oh well! I’ll just have to wait until decide for myself in any case. I cant wait for the day My parents wont drag me in anything they deicde do.

 

However, my parents have nothing to do with my worries at the moment. I know if I see him, something inside of me will be awakened. And that something will start thumping. But it can’t. I’ve spent so long trying to forget him, and the feelings I used to have for  him. For the past half year or so, I didn’t write a single love post, and here I am, mourning for an unreturned “love” which hasn’t even been ravived… or did it ever die? This is really confusing and hurting.

 

Let’s go back to the past, so I can think more clearly. It began two… no 2 and a half years ago. It was the end of the school year, so it was easy to forget him over the summer holidays, when I really didn’t see him. But then, a month or so after school began, I found myself very good friends with him, and thus, I fell ofr him again. Let’s make this clear: no way I’m saying love. I’m far to young to know what love is. Anyway, that fire was re-kildled, and it went strong till I moved again. Then, it took about half a year, but I’m still not sure if it has escaped me alltogehter. But when he’s the most popular guy, and you are just “the smart, spaz kid with the dorky teeth”, alll he could ever be is my friend, and I would be lucky enough to call him friend.

 

Even thinking about it makes my heart beat faster. I want to see him, but I also desperately need to avoid him… if only this were a movie! But then, I dispise movies with a happy ending. At least if he felt something towards me… if I at least could be home every day, and see him in school, but oh no! My parents drag me along in every mess they decide to get themselves in :–(

 

I’d better stop thinking about this, before I burst into pitiful, weak tears