24th June 2008

I know I haven’t been too active lately… well, to tell the truth, I haven’t been active AT ALL. This is simply my 5^th post of the month. However, I’ve been preoccupied with indecision, friendships, projects, and books… so… here’s an extension:

 

 

Indecision This is closely connected to books, but because I’ll describe them later, I wont touch too much on the subject (to be truthful, I‘m hoping to do a review of them sometime in the future so I wont add that much in this post). Anyway, I’ll be going home for a month or so to visit, and, of course, thoughts of him began to be rekindled, and not I don’t know how I feel… I thought it had ended quite a while ago. If you have no idea, just go to the first posts, and I’m sure you’ll get a good idea what I’m talking about. Anyway, I’ve discovered that just listening to my friends’ relationships and problems, and giving them ideas and advise would be enough to quench my stupid thirst for love. So, sadly, I have turned to books (Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer), and I have been feeding of that… the need to feel love, hope and wanted is a terrible, terrible drug. Anyway, I just feel terrible- in three weeks (a bit less), I’ll be landing in my home city, and not long after that, I’ll be seeing the guy I thought I liked… loved… liked… oh! I don’t know! I guess I loved him, but now it’s just turned to really like, or even simply like. However, as soon as I see him again, I just feel I will melt as I did those many months ago… was it a year? Peculiar. It was a year and three weeks… on the 5^th July 2007. I was deep, deep in love then… what if it all restarts?!? I guess I shouldn’t worry so much- what happens happens, and I guess I’ll be escaping back here for a long time after that, so falling again for he wont be a problem- a few tears, a few sleepless nights, but then, love is what I’ve been yearning for… right? 

Update:

 

I took all the posters people made when I left. Fat help. The emptiness reminded me of my own heart. Will I EVER find someone special? Or at least someone to pass the time for a while? I even ripped them all up, pretending I didn’t care. Yeah right, inside, my heart was screaming out “no!”… and now I’m sounding like the true lunatic I am, so I better shut up. 

Friendships:This is a more complicated one, and one I’ll most likely be quite reserved about. Its just another fight, and I’m beginning to wonder if I am TOO quiet and generally reserved about my feelings… I mean, how much does my best friend know about me? We DO fight a lot, in a joking way, and have many smart discussions, but what about those that come from the heart, that help you need from them? I always seem to be helping THEM, but I never go to others for that help… I dunno what to do. 

Projects Why is it that they always land you with some unnecessary project you never finish at the end of the year? Just because they cant think anything better to do. Yep… here’s the long list: Latin (creative writing), Chemistry (plastics), Art (water bottle poster advert and bottle label), Maths (statistics), Physics (radioactivity). I mean, I’m not too sure this is worse than GCSEs!! Oh well… two and a half more weeks, an this will soon be over… this nightmare, this torture… a new one WILL begin, but I swear it cant be worse (oh ok… I already know it IS going to be worse)

 

Books:Ever had a book completely take over you life? Well, you better not have heard about the Twilight series, because they’ll drive you MAD. I cant put them down. There are only four books, I’ve read the first two, and let me tell you they ARE addictive… specially if you are an unloved teenager, who needs some comfort and rejoices knowing about other people’s successful romantic lives while YOU are dying of loneliness inside… ok, maybe its not half as bad. But if ONLY I could see him every day… like I used to… or if I could just convince myself that I did not love him… or strongly liked. Fat chance. Every time I even THINK of him, it all just crashes inside. I’m a terrible mess, and I know it… sadly 

8th June 2008

I a month’s time, I’m going to my home country to visit some family and friends. It’s been just under a year since I left, and it will be a yearn then. I’m just mad I’m even here in the firsst place. Oh well! I’ll just have to wait until decide for myself in any case. I cant wait for the day My parents wont drag me in anything they deicde do.

 

However, my parents have nothing to do with my worries at the moment. I know if I see him, something inside of me will be awakened. And that something will start thumping. But it can’t. I’ve spent so long trying to forget him, and the feelings I used to have for  him. For the past half year or so, I didn’t write a single love post, and here I am, mourning for an unreturned “love” which hasn’t even been ravived… or did it ever die? This is really confusing and hurting.

 

Let’s go back to the past, so I can think more clearly. It began two… no 2 and a half years ago. It was the end of the school year, so it was easy to forget him over the summer holidays, when I really didn’t see him. But then, a month or so after school began, I found myself very good friends with him, and thus, I fell ofr him again. Let’s make this clear: no way I’m saying love. I’m far to young to know what love is. Anyway, that fire was re-kildled, and it went strong till I moved again. Then, it took about half a year, but I’m still not sure if it has escaped me alltogehter. But when he’s the most popular guy, and you are just “the smart, spaz kid with the dorky teeth”, alll he could ever be is my friend, and I would be lucky enough to call him friend.

 

Even thinking about it makes my heart beat faster. I want to see him, but I also desperately need to avoid him… if only this were a movie! But then, I dispise movies with a happy ending. At least if he felt something towards me… if I at least could be home every day, and see him in school, but oh no! My parents drag me along in every mess they decide to get themselves in :–(

 

I’d better stop thinking about this, before I burst into pitiful, weak tears

21st April

History, Georgraphy, and R.E. are the three humanitarian subjects. Which means, the subjects for discussion and contradicion. SO we were doing Geography, and the EU came up. And, as every young, strong and opinionated person, I have a very strong views on things in general, so here’s my slightly naive opinion on the EU and the UK:

Even though the UK has lost all its identity, it had no other choice. In the past, the UK was a leading nation: it was one of the industrial and agricultural revolution’s leading countries; it had vast amount of land in colonies; even though it was a tiny island, it was considered one of the most powerful nations. However, things are changing now, and the UK has found itself weak. With hardly any colonies left, the UK is a declining nation. The British aren’t proud to be British any more; their cold land is barren, and all the British can do is complain about how the immigrants don’t learn their language, and they “steal” everything (jobs, material things, etc.). Therefore, the UK need support; it wants to be heard, it wants to be protected. China, USA, and such countries are growing in strength. It seems ironic how its own colonies now have more power. Ironic how the UK is determined to keep in good terms with the USA, a country they once ruled over. Europe isn’t the centre of the world any more. So they have to stick together to survive, to be heard. They are not the only ones with the need to survive, however. Many countries, for example, in South America, and in North America, have created similar communities for trade, survival, and strength.

8th April

And now comes the “era” of the exams. Teenagers across the country will be forced to enslave themselves to textbooks, coffee, and long, restless nights of revision. They thrust you in classrooms, separated from your friends, and force you to cram in as much as you can remember in two miserable hours.  And for what? To have people tell them how good they are? To have people determine if they’re good enough for this world? To compare them with their peers, and create so much STRESS. And that’s not the worse part. What when you failed a subject and the school is “so diasappointed”, calls your parents, they have a fit, and tell you to try harder or they’ll pull you out of school… AWAY FROM YOUR FRIENDS? OR those who DO do a great job, and the doting parents just celebrate, take them out to dinner, throw a party for you, and you grow fat all summer (literally AND metophorically), knowing that you’re sooo much better than those “retards” who just happen to have bad luck, just didn’t work QUITE enough, or they don’t like the subject?

Admitedly, I AM more in the second class of people… but my parents aren’t doting, and expect such high results… and anyway, these exams are not as important, as they’re not GCSEs, AS or A2… but do we REALLY need others to tell us how smart, capable and good we are? Didn’t Bill Gates (or one of those millionaires who took advantadge of the “internet revolution”) graduate with something like 3 GCSEs?!??! Doesn’t that tell us something? I am a straight A student, but I’m not the one who will succeed. I WILL have a good life, I WILL get quite far, but I just play by the rules… I’m not a risk-taker… but those who don’t do “well” in school, and are naturally ingenious, THOSE will succeed… THOSE will get far in life… THOSE will do well… Don’t get me wrong… if you do well in school, it defenitely helps… but those who truly succeed are the lucky ones, the ingenious ones, the risk-takers… pity that’s not me, but I’m just glad I’ve got a hope in this world :–)

And one last thing… good luck to exam takers… revise, try your best, but just remember… exams DO NOT determine your life, smartness, or capability in life…

 

 

6th April

It’s cool on Sunday evenings to just sit on the sofa, with some popcorn, alone, with family, or friends, watching a movie. Pity when your sister just comes along and wants to watch the complete OPPOSITE of what YOU want to watch. Yup, it happened. I wanted to watch a cool, comedy, whereas my sister wanted to watch The Parent Trap. So, my oh-so democratic Dad thought of a number, and I guessed it (it was 2, the mosat common number to choose, and MY fave :–) ). So, my sister said, ok, never mind. BUT then, by Dad showed my what looked like a bloody-ish (not much blood in a PG), violent-ish, and slightly romantic film about the French Revolution (which I RALLY like History, whereas I just found out my sis DETESTS the French Revolution). I’d never seen it before (unlike the comedy AND The Parent Trap… that was the OLD version… not so good as the one with Lindsay Lohan), but my sister said, “no, watch it tomorrow”. Well, she almost ended in tears, and broke my heart. So what am I doing now? Listening to the radio, while I write this, hoping maybe my heart could be crueller and meaner. WHY?!?!?